[Editor’s note: This is the third in a series of
articles. If you are searching for help recovering from your own
abortion, you will receive the most benefit if you start at the
beginning. The first article appeared in the Streams of Life
category in December, 1999.]
I can still hear my grandmother’s words as my mother
told her I had aborted my baby... "You’re just a
whore!" The words burned like fire as they were seared across
my heart. Branded... murderer and whore! The godly woman I called
Mammaw thought I was a whore. I adored her and if she thought I
was I whore, then I must be one. Later she apologized for
verbalizing her first reaction. She hadn’t meant to hurt me. But
the wound was there and I couldn’t forget the sound of her
words. I thought I was beyond repair. "Reproach hath broken
my heart, and I am full of heaviness; and I looked for some to
take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but found
none." (Psalm 69:20)
My life just wasn’t turning out as I had planned. In
fact, my life was a big mess. How could I have murdered my baby? I
wasn’t a bad person... certainly not a murderer. I came from a
good family. I went to church. I wasn’t raised to do such
terrible things. I felt I was merely a victim of a very cruel
world. It surely wasn’t my fault. What a disappointment I was to
my family and most of all to myself
How had all this come about? I was doing what I thought
I had to do, trying to protect myself from more hurt. The father
wasn’t there for me. I felt I had nobody to help me raise my
child. And people would call him a bastard. The thought of him
having to suffer this humiliation was too much. Besides, I was
still in school and didn’t have a job. All these sounded like
pretty rational reasons for having an abortion didn’t they? The
truth is: they were only excuses for the real reason. I was too
proud to admit I had done wrong and ask for forgiveness.
People I thought would give me good advice gave me wrong
counsel. I trusted them to lead me in the right direction but they
blindly led me astray. Together, we thought we were making the
wise decision. We rationalized things our way. I didn’t know
that... "There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the
end it leads to death." (Proverbs 14:12) We were looking at
things through the eyes of this world instead of through God’s
eyes. I was selfish. I wanted things to go my way. I wanted my
life to be as I had planned.
I wanted a magical "fix-it". I wanted somebody
to kiss it and make it all better. I didn’t know where to go for
help now. I didn’t KNOW this God who could have led me on the
path of righteousness. I didn’t know the Bible said to
"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your
own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will
make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear
the LORD and shun evil." (Proverbs 3:5-7)
But I didn’t want to submit to anyone...not even God.
I wanted to be my own boss and do things my way. I wanted to put
the blame for all my sins on someone else. I couldn’t make it
stick though. The blame always bounced right back in my corner.
But I couldn’t let anyone know how much I was hurting on the
inside. I pretended I was fine. I had made the right choice and
life goes on… right? Not so! The secret sin had left its ugly
scar on my heart.
Yes, my heart was broken but I was so stubborn! I
thought God couldn’t forgive me for my terrible deed. If only I
had known that... "He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up
their wounds." (Psalm 147:3)
God seemed so far from me. I now know it is sin that
separates us from God. It is by repenting of our sins and turning
from them that we restore our fellowship with Him. After 30 years
of rebellion, my healing started the moment I submitted to God and
began seeking to really know Him… "and serve him
with a perfect heart and with a willing mind; for the Lord
searcheth all hearts, and understandeth all the imaginations of
the thoughts. If thou seek him, he will be found of thee; but if
thou forsake him, he will cast thee off forever." (I
Chronicles 28:9)
I committed myself to do God’s will no matter what. I
put my life in His hands to do with as He pleased. I gave up my
will for God’s will. I told God that whatever He wanted of me I
would do. It was amazing how God started to heal and bless me. I
took the verse in Jeremiah 31:3 personally: "The Lord
appeared to us… saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting
love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness."’ God did love
me after all. And God loves you too. He loves us so much that...
"He gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him
shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)
Now, dear friend, until next time: "May the God of
hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that
you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
(Romans 15:13)
Note: If you would like to contact Kristin, or be put in
contact with someone who can help you personally, let us know by
click here to Email
Streams of Life, or write to Streams of Life, PO Box
8977, Chattanooga, TN 37414
